


as god is my witness (never had it so good)

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drunken Kissing, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Raphael Santiago, au where vampires can't see their reflection, look ma I didn't make anyone cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 02:51:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12925749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: Death should not mean pretty. He grazed his knuckles over the line of Simon's jaw and thought, no. Death is not pretty."Eros bello,"  he murmured.On Simon, death is beautiful.Or-that au where vampires cannot see their own reflection and Simon has poor self esteem





	as god is my witness (never had it so good)

 

 

Death is a short funeral and decay. It's an ending, full stop. It shouldn't mean _waking_  or coffins with silk pillows that hold dead things who should've stayed grounded. It's not  _pretty_ or romantic. 

But, Simon.

Simon was drunk and asking Raphael to describe him. He'd been lamenting over mirrors for weeks and how unjust it was that he could see his  _ugly mug_ for years as a mundane but now that his appearance might've improved, he couldn't tell. 

"Am I pretty?" Simon asked, grinning dopily. 

You shouldn't be, Raphael thought. And I am made up of bad decisions since You. Such as agreeing to drink with a moping Simon because,  _"Jace called vampires hideous ungodly creatures and thought I didn't hear him but I did."_

Raphael made a mental note to kill the blonde. 

"By whose standards?"

"...yours."

Raphael's eyes darted away momentarily before returning to Simon. His curls fell in waves that looked as though he'd finger combed his hair upon waking (he likely had) and his skin was more fair than it had been when he was a mundane, cheeks that should've been rosy with the warmth of alcohol were pale. 

Death should not mean _pretty_.He grazed his knuckles over the line of Simon's jaw and thought, no. Death is not pretty. 

 _"Eros bello,"_ he whispered. 

On Simon, death is _beautiful_. 

Simon shut his eyes and leaned into the touch. "Tell me," he said, having missed the compliment. After a moment of hesitation, he opened them and met Raphael's, amber eyes pleading. "What do I look like...to you I mean? Describe me, please. I'm starting to forget. What if Jace is right and I _am_ hideous?" 

Raphael mentally cursed the shadowhunters for their inherited prejudice and vowed to have a little chat with Jace Wayland or whatever he was calling himself these days. Simon wasn't theirs to insult, degrade or even praise. 

Sucking in a deep breath, he returned his attention to a bleary eyed Simon. He gently dropped his hand and sat still when Simon scooted closer, resting his head against Raphael's shoulder on the sofa in the elder vampires room. He loosened his stiff muscles and forced himself to relax though having Simon this near was unnerving.

He swallowed hard, throat dry and hands restless in his lap. God, he'd harped on Simon about fidgeting and here he was acting like a nervous mundane. 

He'd backtrack and keep it light this time since his slipup blessidely flew right under the radar. 

"You're Simon. You live in t-shirts with awful puns on them and skinny jeans." 

"That doesn't count. My  _face,_ Raphael. What's so great about it?" 

 _Everything_.

Okay then, they wouldn't be doing Light this evening.  

"When you smile, it reaches your eyes and they crinkle at the corners," answered Raphael.  "And each side of your mouth."

Simon grinned against Raphael's shoulder, smelling of the fruity alcohol he'd drank and the sweet caramel undertone of his blood. Raphael wanted that smile against his lips, his cheek. 

"Really?" 

Not when you're angry, Raphael thought. That's a darker smile, sarcastic and crude. 

"Yes." 

He hated that one.

"What else?"

"Your eyes are..." Raphael searched for words that would do them justice. He studied Simon from the corner of his eye, remembering. "...a dark brown flecked with amber. They're nearly black when we train."

Or when you're blood soaked and calling me a monster. 

"Wow," said Simon. Alcohol loosened his tongue and he Raphael felt his fledgling's loop through his own. "For the record," mumbled Simon, "I think you're the prettiest vampire I've ever seen." 

The words played in a loop in Raphael's head and his chest tightened with affection. Maybe he did stand a chance with Simon, despite Fray's interference in his life. Love life included. She'd set him up with multiple dates last month and none of them stuck. He'd always collapsed on Raphael's sofa after and complained about the girls. 

And one guy who was apparently too tall. 

 

"You'll change your mind tomorrow," blurted Raphael. _Dios_ , he hadn't meant to say that. Ah well, since he'd already dug his own grave, why not keep going?  "...when you're sober." 

 

Simon turned his face into Raphael's neck in response and nuzzled, arm still looped through the other's. His hand curled around the inside of Raphael's bicep- God... _so good._

"Nuh uh, it's the same feelings," argued Simon, muffled against the collar of Raphael's shirt and skin. "Jus...the alcohol makes me brave. Like Clark Kent when he puts on the suit. Superman. Y'know, you're my Lex." 

Raphael could hardly focus on Simon's babbling. Everything in him was more than aware of the firm line of Simon's chest against his arm, the part of his lips when he spoke.

His eyes fluttered closed and Simon, his impossibly beautiful Simon, pressed his lips to Raphael's throat. It was a chaste but unmistakable  _kiss._ Raphael shivered. This was it, wasn't it? The sign he'd been waiting for? The giant flashing green light that confirmed every poorly worded and awkward flirty gesture Simon had ever made as legitimate. 

"But without the, uh, whatsat'word? ...obsessiveness. 'cause you know, I don't have secrets. Except for liking you but I let that cat out of the bag. It's gone now." 

Somehow they'd made a skip and a massive hop from  _am I pretty_ to-

"Simon."

"Maybe the cat wanted to stay in the bag," rambled Simon, second guessing himself. "Who knows? It's a cat. Probably should've-"  

"Simon, you kissed me." 

The younger vampire chuckled anxiously. "You taste good." He blurted, "Wait no...was- was that bad? I didn't mean for that to come out. That was creepy even for a vampire, wasn't it?" He groaned against Raphael. "Even alcohol and dying can't cure my affliction. I'll just stay here with my shame and you can just ignore me or whatever." 

That did it.  

_-this._

 

"Simon..."

 

The younger vampire hummed against his throat, sounding embarrassed.  

Raphael flexed his hands in his lap, unfurling them from tense fists. "Kiss me again." 

Simon lifted his head in surprise and their eyes met, rich brown flecked with amber, Simon's disheveled curls, Raphael's eyes dropping to his mouth. 

"I didn't blow my chances?"

"If you keep talking, you will. "  

"In that case..." 

 

They met halfway.

 

They'd never made it as far as Raphael describing Simon's lips. Supple, Raphael would've said, with just the right amount of plush to lend to a slow kiss. Strawberry daiquiri and how I imagine your blood would taste in my mouth - sweet as candy. 

He ran his hands up Simon's back and down again, stroking and feeling muscle flex under his hands.  Simon cradled the back of his head, fingers in his hair and spanning over his neck. The kiss was the very opposite of how he imagined (and he had) Simon would kiss. He thought it'd be as frenetic and rushed as Simon himself but it wasn't. Their lips slotted together and Simon kept it slow and heated. 

After a long moment of breaking apart and coming back together for more, they let go. 

Simon grinned, eyes twinkling and the skin around them crinkled. His lips were red and slick and Raphael couldn't resist diving in for a quick kiss.

"So," said Simon after, "you think I'm beautiful?" 

Huh. Simon  _had_ heard him say it. Though, he must've needed to hear more than that to be sure Raphael meant it.

"No, I changed my mind."

"You what now? _"_

Raphael shrugged. 

"I'm not entirely convinced. The problem is your mouth," he teased, poker face in place. "I cannot describe it properly."

Simon caught on. "I think I can help with that." 

 

People could be mirrors too.  

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> *Eres bello: you're beautiful*
> 
> if my spanish is off, I blame Spanish Dictionary and google for betraying me by referring to that site. forgive me. or correct me, both? I'll grovel, I'll do it.
> 
> anyways.
> 
> this is based off a tumblr prompt that I found on google. credit to frankmorys. I had a blast writing this. also simon is only bold enough to make a move and touch raphael because he's drunk so that's why it might seem out of character for him. I know my son, I swear. 
> 
> title is from a song called "it's all on u" by illenium and I love it so much, you don't even know.
> 
> kudos? comments? I thrive on love and validation.


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